… ending unknown

The unknown is such a terrible thing, because our minds take the opportunity to fill in the blanks with the oddest, and sometimes most terrifying, possibilities.

Sometimes, they are so ridiculous as to be laughable; however that is not all they can be.

They can instill fear, stunt growth.

They can ...

They can do anything, but only if you let it. So in the hopes that this might help someone else to face their dreams, this is the story before the journey.

Last semester was hard but manageable. I was taking incredibly difficult classes simultaneously, but up until the moment I was accepted into Spanish Study Abroad I was handling it. Then all of sudden I started feeling sick, losing my appetite, and generally losing all motivation to be in my classes. There was this unknown haunting feeling that I couldn't name, and couldn't fight.

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"There's nothing more frightening than having your dreams come true." - Hernando

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Until I talked with Professor Puckett, and she told me about the fear of going abroad. She had gone away when she was younger and initially she was unsure but it was worth it. Throughout the conversation, I realized that subconsciously, I was deathly afraid of leaving.

Of course the most common three are school, friends, and family. There was some illogical part of me that feared I would be replaced, forgotten or given up on. That my people would realize that it takes a lot of effort to put up with me, and maybe I wasn't worth it or needed anymore. But I knew that was illogical. That's why I was sure that I was just going thru a spell; all my bad eating was catching up to me, needing more sleep, or something else simple and easily explained away.

Then I knew.

I was afraid I might change. As someone with polynomial digressions of thought, this notion of great opportunity evoked both positive and negative feelings. Eventually, this manifested into self-sabotage. Somewhere, deep inside, I knew the only way to prevent going to Spain was failing the semester. But bigger than that, I noticed a pattern. Whenever I saw glimpses of my greatness, I would do something to undermine my talent, beauty, intelligence, etcetera. I was underestimating everything about myself because I was afraid.

Of who would I have to leave behind. Of what habits would become obsolete. Of the amount of effort it might take. Of the accountability. Because at the point I no longer need reasons to be less than who I could be, I have to account for all the time I've wasted. The defining moment in every movie, where a hero is born or a villain feels remorse. But, I'm not trying to be a hero ( and in the real world villains are everyday people).

Instead, I use this as a letter and reminder to myself and anyone else who needs it.

We don't need to be afraid of our light anymore.

Our mistakes; past, present, and future, do not define us.

We have to let go of our pride, rethink beliefs, and love ourselves.

For there are already enough limits, so instead choose to be limitless.

Take the action that scares you most, and embrace life with wide open arms.

I'm not sure where life will take us but I hope to see you out there!

!

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Fingers Crossed. Prayers Sent.